Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said,
"If you were my wife, I'd take it."
Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,
'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy .'
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
‘I know' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls' getaway trip - shopping, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
