After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi, sweetheart.  It's Sue.  I'm on the train." 

"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four- thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office.  It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." 

"Yes, I'm sure; cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, 

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." 

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.

MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily
carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young egg-laying hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out efficiency ACA report simply by listening to the bells.

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

The General is visiting the Infirmary one day and comes across a ward of 3 young men.

"And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Tinea, Sir"
"The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To Return to my Unit ASAP, Sir!"
"Good Man".
Then to the next young one, "And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Haemorrhoids, Sir"
“The Treatment?"

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.


When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

 

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting it right, there’s a 90% probability you will get it wrong.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

And they say our health service is still in good condition and we should be confident in hospital care.

Actual writings on major regional hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."