Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Miss Alabama in the 1994 MissUSA contest .

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

 

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. So I retired, and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

 I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

 

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

 

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.