The  outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated  answering service of your school. In order to assist you in  connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the  options before making a selection:

To lie about why your  child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses  for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To  complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff  members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information  that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers  mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your  child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap  or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for  the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about   bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about  school lunches - Press  0

If you realize this is  the real world and your child must be Accountable and  responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,homework and  that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of  effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.