A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

This  is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the  message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff  voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering  machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the  school. This came about because they  implemented a policy  requiring students and parents to be responsible for their  children's absences and missing homework. The school and  teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's  failing grades changed  to passing grades - even though  those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and  did not complete enough school work to pass their  classes.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said : “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

 

When my husband and I arrived at our Local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

A self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said load enough for others to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with light speed…and many more.”

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

POLITICIANS...THEY'RE ALL THE SAME -EXCEPT  DIFFERENT

I asked my friend's little girl what she  wanted to be when she grows up.She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of  Australia some day. Both of her  parents, Labor supporters, were  standing there, so I asked her,

"If you  were Prime Minister what would be  the first thing you would do?"

She  replied, "I'd give food and houses to  all the homeless people."

Her  parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to  the Labor Party!"

TEST 1

Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.