Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Bubble-wrapture (v) - the irresistible urge to pop the plastic bubbles in bubble wrap.
Buckstop (n) - the space left between the person using an automatic teller machine and the first person in the queue behind them. Also known as Tellermoat and PINformation gap
Bumbaker (n)- a person who has sat in the same office chair for too long, causing it to overheat.
Bumbilical cord (n)- the fixed connection between two teenage lovers walking with their hands in each other's back pocket.
Bun voyage (v)- a phrase used to farewell your hamburger meat as it slips from your bun towards the floor.
Bussa nova (n)- the wild dance first forward and then backwards, performed by standing passengers when the bus comes to a sudden halt.
Buttle (v)- to tug constantly at the back of one's low-cut jeans in a vain attempt to pull them up to some sort of decent and comfortable height.
C
Carbarian (Pn) - a motorist who accelerates from the traffic lights as if it's the start of a major military offensive
Carte blanch (Adj)- to become suddenly pale as a result of opening a restaurant menu and seeing the prices.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Chatatonic - descriptive of a stuporous state achieved after a long period on the phone to a friend who just won't shut up.
Chat-nap - to daydream while your spouse is talking to you, the idyll ending with a sudden pause and the realisation you've been asked a question but have no idea what it was. You do, however, realise you are in big trouble.
Also known as deaf-knell, manopause and manesia (notice these all relate to men!)
Charlaturn - the practice, among motorists, of only turning on their indicator to turn right once the lights have changed to green
Also known as Turnpiker, Nindicator, Procrasturnator or Volvo Driver
Clarifart - to move your bum on a vinyl office chair or leather couch in order to produce yet another farting sound, so that everyone might understand that the first alarming noise, produced a moment ago, was not an actual fart.
Also known as Fakeulence and Bumtriloquism
Coinstipated - descriptive of the miserly rich, who earn millions, but can never find the shrapnel for a cup of coffee.
Coach potato - a sports fan, usually a man, who lies on the couch in front of the TV shouting instructions to the players in the apparent belief they can hear what he's saying.
D
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Deja-news: - news footage that flashes up during a movie recorded off the TV five years ago, which nonetheless seems perfectly up to date
Digger mortis: - an affliction suffered by council road crews, whereby they appear to be leaning on their shovels, but have in fact died at some point during the day
Dinstant: - the time period between the traffic lights turning green, and the sound of the car horn beeping behind you
Direlogue: - the heavily scripted "banter" between the male and female hosts during an awards night telecast.
Dittocism: - a joke that you told your friend last week, and which he or she is now repeating back to you, as if it were freshly minted.
Doojitsu - the flurry of choreographed arm movements required to put a doona into a doona cover. As in all martial arts, the outcome is uncertain, with victory often going to the doona.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come very quickly.
Dreadlock - at the cinema, the imaginery brake, located within the armrests, which you squeeze when the action gets too exciting
E
F
Fantarctica - the cold, icy emptiness experienced by a former celebrity once their fans have all moved on.
Faultageist - a mechanical problem that disappears as soon as you are in the presence of an expert, making you look like an idiot. The machine, of course, goes bung again as soon as the expert leaves.
G
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Gizmoseum - in the kitchen, the second or third drawer down, which contains every utensil and implement that is rarely, if ever, used.
Gluedini - a person who, having just used superglue, finds all his fingers are stuck together, and he must now try to escape.
H
Haka-ventilate - to cool down a piece of food once it's in your mouth by panting, waving and making your eyes bulge.
Hexpiration - The tendency for a product to breakdown the day after the warranty has expired.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Holihads - the crumpled baggage tags from past holidays that you leave on your luggage so that others may know you once visited Paris.
Horrorgami - the vain attempt to re-fold a road map back the way it came, especially in high wind or while still driving.
Hymnpersonator - a person who only goes to church once a year, and doesn't know the words to the hymns, but still mugs along as if they're singing.
I
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.
Inhowlation - the terrifying intake of breath taken by a child before he or she cries
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Also known as Lull-a-bawl, Pre-hysteric period, Waitawail and Pre-wailing winds
J
K
Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
L
M
N
O
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
P
Pisspoortraiture - the art practised by the chemist shop photographer when taking passport shots, whereby everyone looks like a drug runner.
Q
R
S
Santamonious descriptive of the superior attitude adopted by relatives who bought all their Christmas presents at the half-yearly sales in July.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Sitcombobulation - the confusion experienced when you realise that, despite having watched only a handful of episodes of a particular sit-com, the episode they've chosen to repeat is always one you've seen three times before.
Skulldrudgery - once you've shaved your head, the need to keep shaving so people don't realise you're trying to hide a bald spot.
Slobstacle - a person who just sits there as you try to vacuum or sweep around his or her feet.
Sloodge - the soggy mash of food, sports clothes and notes from the teacher found in the bottom of a primary child's school bag.
Snackapop - the sound made by a chip packet when you push in on the sides until the top bursts open with a satisfying pop.
Snackastrophe - the tendency, when attempting a snackapop, for it to be the bottom seal of the packet that gives in first, thus depositing the chips all over your shoes.
Snaggle - the fifth and final sausage that you really shouldn't eat, but always do.
Snidge - the one dark sock that always smuggles itself into an all-whites wash.
Snock - a sock that has lost its partner
Snock pit - the pile of unpartnered socks kept at the bottom of the laundry basket, just in case the partners turn up.
Spuddle - the puddle of butter atop a jacket potato
Staralaysis - the peculiar paralysis that overcomes even quite normal people when in the presence of a film star
Suffermore - a person who is always sicker or worse off than you. If you say you are a bit tired, they are exhausted. If you're sick, they're on death's door. If you're snowed under with work they say something like "try doing it with six children". And when someone runs up the back of your car, it's nothing compared to the accident they had in the summer of '84.
Also known as sickerchondriac, moanarchist and painsayer
Sussphisticate - the mythical friend of your child whose parents supposedly permit all the things your child is banned from doing
Swiggel - to swap your socks around so the holes are no longer aligned with your big toes.
Swigmata - the red marks that form on the nose and cheeks after a night of heavy drinking
T
Tag-snatch to slyly grab a look at someone's name-tag at an official function, to hide the fact that you have forgotten their name
Taskquerade - a bunged-on, "gee I'm busy" activity that is commenced the instant the boss walks near your desk, and relinquished the moment he or she leaves the vicinity.
Tearerist - a person in a cinema who seems to take ages to unwrap their lollies or open their chips, then eats them one by one, oblivious to the noise
also known as Cellopain or Tornmenter
Tel-Dorado - a mythical city where companies get humans to answer their phones
Tele-phony on the phone, the recorded voice that tells you to wait for an hour on hold because "your business is very important to us".
Testiculation - the male habit of giving one's testicles a quick squeeze or prod at three-minute intervals throughout the working day, just to check they haven't suddenly disappeared, or been pecked off by wild birds
Thingdignation - anger or scorn aroused by an inanimate object which refuses to work, usually leading to the use of phrases such as "work, damn you", "this is your last chance" and "tell me what I've ever done to you?"
Thinges - the thin plastic hinges on a CD box, which inevitably break within moments of purchase.
Thinstructor - a person hired by a gym to be an inspiration to us all.
Tiechosis - an affliction whereby a person wears a cartoon-character tie in a futile attempt to appear amusing.
Tightwadadelaidian - a person who fantasises about driving all the way to Adelaide just to cash in the five cents refund offered on their soft drink bottle.
